


Viridian Magnolia

by sandyk



Category: Better Off Ted
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2014-11-24
Packaged: 2018-02-26 22:30:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2668727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandyk/pseuds/sandyk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"How is it being married to Ted? Is it magical, like a glow in the dark giraffe let loose in a municipal park?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Viridian Magnolia

**Author's Note:**

  * For [baseballchica03](https://archiveofourown.org/users/baseballchica03/gifts).



> not mine, no profit garnered. Thanks to my two betas for so much help!

"Ted," Linda said.

"Linda," Ted said. "This conversation is going well." 

"And not awkwardly," Linda said. She sat down across from Ted, looking lovely in her black slacks and white shirt which Ted would describe as crisp but he was over those puns, even in his narration. 

"I think we're skipping over any awkwardness," Ted said. 

"Like this conversation which is not awkward," Linda said. "But it sort of is. I mean, we got married. We're married. We woke up together and did dirty dirty things to each other very quietly so we didn't wake up Rose. Now we're here. Dressed like working people. Sitting in your office. And then I go back to my cubicle --"

"The largest cubicle in the cubicle area," Ted said.

"Yes, what a sweet wedding gift from Veronica that was," Linda said. 

"Don't forget the internal memo that said we weren't supposed to treat newly married couples like they were weird freaks," Ted said. "I think she had a hand in that."

"Except it said Weir freaks and the only Weir anyone can think of is the Weir of Grateful Dead so now everyone is very carefully not singing Sugar Magnolia around us, even though it's stuck in everyone's head."

"Phil and Lem never read the memos," Ted said. In fact, Phil and Lem only heard about the memo from Dr. Bamba and assumed Ted and Linda really loved the Grateful Dead so had created a programmed sound emitting cactus for each of their desks that played an endless loop of bootleg Dead concerts as part of their wedding gift. The one on Ted's desk wasn't so bad, but the one on Linda's was "heard" by more people. 

"And HR never admits to typos," Linda said. 

"We should be able to surmount today's awkwardness," Ted said. He stood up and walked over to where Linda was sitting. He kissed her cheek decorously and then stepped two feet away. "Now, Linda employee, I need the results on the cats who walk backwards."

"And have lasers in their eyes," Linda said. "Can't forget that."

"But mostly, they walk backwards."

"Got it," Linda said, standing up. "See you later, Honey."

xx

Veronica surveyed the expanse of her kingdom. She was looking down the hallway to the many people in their tiny cubicles working and working and working. Bless them, they were all working. 

Veronica said, "Do you think I made a mistake putting aside real relationships and letting Ted go?" 

"No, actually," Linda said. 

"This is the problem with having you as a friend type person, you're totally biased."

"I am," Linda said. "But you were totally right to dump Mordor, he was a bad guy. And you were right to dump Verissimo, because he was actually a spy your dad arranged to spy on you after he died. Which you thought was sweet and I thought was creepy. But hey. You deserve better. Not Ted better, because he's my husband now, but you do deserve someone."

"Well, let's put this aside because we both know I could have Ted just by snapping my fingers."

"No you couldn't, but sure, let's put this aside," Linda said. "I am actually here about the cats walking backward."

"Which is a fantastic idea. Who wants to see a cat's anus? Yet they keep walking around with their tail up showing off their business to everyone. But now we'll have a thankfully shy cat, walking around letting no one see their anus. And domestic indoor cats don't have to hunt, so they are free to be vulnerable."

"Not so vulnerable with the laser eyes," Linda said. 

"Who doesn't want laser shooting eyes? I've been trying to get some of my own for ages."

"That would be pretty damn cool," Linda said, imagining. 

"Go forth, Linda, and work. Work like all the wonderful workers working just down this hall," Veronica said. "I need to go play golf with two Generals from a country I can not name to someone as lowly as you, Linda."

"You're inspiring," Linda said. Veronica convinced herself it wasn't sarcasm.

xx

Linda entered the lab, thrilled that in her first post-honeymoon trip downstairs she had not encountered any creatures with more than two legs or less than two legs. Or pincers. So she was smiling as she greeted Lem and Phil. 

"Linda," Phil said. 

"Linda," Lem said. 

"How is it being married to Ted? Is it magical, like a glow in the dark giraffe let loose in a municipal park?"

"Yes, Phil," Linda said. "And you captured that giraffe, right? It's back on the rooftop garden, right?"

"Sure, sure," Lem said. "Have you heard otherwise?"

"Tell me that giraffe --"

Phil said, "Gerry. Her name is Gerry. Short for Geraldine. But she prefers a shorter name."

"Because she's a mini giraffe," Lem said. 

Linda said, "Gerry is home in the garden, right?"

"She is in the garden," Phil said.

"Which our rooftop garden, right?"

"A garden," Lem said.

"Where is Gerry? Tell me now," Linda said. She had lost her smile. 

Phil said, "Gerry will be in the rooftop garden the very next time you go there. Don't go there until Monday."

Linda shook her head. "I am going to accept that. I don't want to, but you know what? I am going to. I am a happily married woman, I can let things, some things, slide. A little. So let's talk cats, or cats talk us let." She grinned. "I said that backwards."

"Well," Phil said. "The cats."

"Walking backwards?" Linda said. 

Lem said, "Laser shooting from their eyes. That part we've got down. In at least half of them."

"What about the other half?"

Phil said, "They walk sideways."

"Do any of the cats walk backwards?"

Lem said, "No. None of them do."

"How do we fix this?" Linda felt her honeymoon good feelings slipping away, going backwards from her like the cats were supposed to but apparently weren't. "Do you guys need some help from Ted? Should I send Ted down and let him know you're having problems?"

Phil and Lem had identical expressions of horror. "No, no no no," Phil said. "We didn't mean to disappoint him. We'll get it done, Linda, please don't let Ted know."

"So when I come tomorrow, the cats will all be shooting laser from their eyes and walking backwards so no one has to see their possibly dirty butts?"

Lem said, "I do. I do promise."

"Anyone have any objections or are you going to hold your peace?" Linda glared. 

Lem and Phil said nothing as she walked away. She was back to feeling happy.

xx

Linda waited outside the Veridian childcare. Rose came out and looked her up and down. "You're not my mommy," Rose said. 

"I am not your mommy, young lady, I am your evil stepmother," Linda said. “I like our password.”

Rose hugged her. "I'm glad you're not a spy sent by a ghost."

"I'm glad we finally learned not to tell you work stories over dinner," Linda said. "Let's go see Daddy!"

Ted was happy, well-dressed, and many parts adorable.He hugged Rose and kissed Linda decorously on the cheek. Then he whispered a few choice dirty things in her ear about what they'd do after Rose slept. 

"You are in an excellent mood," Linda said.

"Turns out the Grateful Dead subliminal cactus has in just one week reduced employee rage outs, violent confrontations, and anonymous writings on the bathroom walls. Veronica took complete credit upstairs so she has stopped dropping hints about how I should have never married. So yes, good day for me."

"It will probably only last a day, you know. She's got Ted fever, and she's got it bad," Linda said.

Rose said, "Everybody loves Ted."

"We should have named the show that," Ted said, talking to the place where camera would have been. "Then we might have had more than 26 episodes."

Ted smiled. "Let's go up to the rooftop garden, Rose. I hear there might be a glow in the dark mini giraffe."

"Not until Monday," Linda said. "But the glow in the dark chipmunks might be on their intermittent cycles. See, they only glow in the dark for a few hours at a time so they can get some sleep. Animals who don't get the sleep they need do some crazy things. Which, again, we won't be discussing over dinner."


End file.
